Sandy's Trip Home

On 10/23/18 I had a secondary breast exam. They thought I had cancer. I did not. After I called my family and friends, I went home took my anxiety meds. I fell asleep. I had a very vivid dream of my late father and his parents. We were in a park, we had been to many times, and my dad said I had to help Sandy. They pointed at him on picnic table. I was upset at them. I told them yes I loved him, but I had a breakdown and almost died. But they insisted. 

I went over to him. He reached out, but I moved away. He said he was so sorry what he did to me over the years. He asked me to forgive him. He had spent the last 20 years trying to replace me. There was much more. 

So when I finally woke up I called my mom. And told her about the dream. At that point all I knew was he was somewhere in Yuma. Passing through, Yuma, I would only stop at gas stations close to the freeway so I would only be there the least amount of time I could. My mother was told not to talk about him. It still put me into panic attacks. 

It took me along time to finally call his sister. I got his number. I called that night. He didn't answer. So I called the next evening. This time he called me back. He said my mom told his sister. I was married. I said that she had spoken with my mom. I was in the next room. She said I was moving away because I found my love. She was talking about the house in Tucson, I was about to to close escrow on.  I explained to him. He right away made my promise not to talk with any of his family. He told me he had a stroke a few years ago. Then, the summer before, he had 3 heart attacks in one day.

The next day he emailed me. I felt awful about how he was living. I told him I wanted to move him to Tucson. I would give him his own room and bathroom. He could also use my shower that was a over sized and handicap ready.  

In early February I went to Yuma to pick up the first batch of his stuff.  He had moved into an awful ancient trailer 300 square foot place. After his house was destroyed, in a storm. I told him after seeing it that I could fit everything including him in one trip.

He said he needed to get things ready.  I cried my whole way home. It took all week to get the chemical and smoke smells out of everything, and place everything into his room. 

Both times I went there he would always get so happy. On the way home he kept saying he felt like it was all a dream.

We had a couple of fights, but I would make him either go to his room or the Arizona room.

We were both really happy. If he or I didn't have a doctor's appointment, I would take him all over Tucson. I would show him as much as he could stand, each day.

He loved my cooking, so we rarely went out to eat. He even said he was going to expect to be spoiled even after he was better. I told him that was what I tried to do for 14 years, we laughed. He then looked at me, and asked, why are you so patient with me. I told him what would be the point of bringing him to my house, if I was going to be mean to him.

He was surprised at how I handled the doctors. 

He had hernia that filled most of his scrotum. After surgery he looked wonderful. He even tried to get me to take a nap with him in his hospital bed. And in the morning he was fine.

 By the time I got to the hospital to pick him up he wasn't okay. I tried to get him readmitted. I called the doctor but she said she didn't get the message for a week. I blew up at her. I heard she had a visit from the board of doctors, after I reported her.

He was in so much pain, and sick to his stomach. He wouldn't let me take him back to the hospital. Finally he asked me to hold him for an hour then he would go. And he wouldn't let me call for an ambulance.

While I was washing his face, body, changed his diaper,  and got him dressed. He started to cry. He said he didn't want to die. He was finally happy. It wasn't fair. He was looking at something as he said it.

I finally had him ready to go. And got him to the Arizona room. As I was unlocking the door he called me over to him. He grabbed me and held me saying how much I meant to him. And that he was sorry it took him 20 years to make it home. He kissed me and was holding tight to my arms. His eyes went from blue to grey as he passed away. I could feel his energy past through me. That was maybe 5 to 10 minutes before 10 AM. The real time he passed.

I called 911 and I told them what was going on. They were just across the main road from me, but it felt like forever. I watched them trying to bring him back for about a half hour. Then they put him in the ambulance. They asked if I had anyone to call. I said my mom, then realized they meant nearby. My closes family member. I called my aunt 2 hours away. Most of my neighbors came out to check on me. Everyone was hugging me even the Sharif deputy, and the paramedics.

I told them to take him to the hospital I wanted them to take him. I don't know how but I followed them in my car. They said his heart started once, but only for a few seconds. 

When I got there they sent me to the main lobby. I asked for him and they asked how I was related. I said ex wife. Then she said family only. I told her I had power of attorney.

They took my to a small room. I knew what was next. The doctor came in and the had a trolley food and coffee. Then they took me to  him. I sat there crying, praying, kissing him. My aunt and uncle got there. She said my mom was on her way. I don't even know how long I was there. No one pressured me to leave. But, I finally did.

My aunt and uncle had spent Easter with us. My uncle has MS, and could be hard to understand. He kept telling Sandy that he was happy he was there. And I would take very good care of him.

He did ask me to marry him several time. I finally said yes. We were going to the courthouse on May 8th. The 35 anniversary of our first date. Instead we had his viewing. It took a long time to get his ashes back. I asked for a private cremation, so I knew it was only him in there. 

Sandy, and I made plans years and years ago where we would be after we both passed.

This is how my sad boy made it home, to me

.

The awful ex sister in law

I wrote this January 12 2020

Yesterday I got a call that I should have never answer. It was Sandy's sister. He made me promise to never talk to her. She was mad and self righteous and told me she had just found out about his passing in an email. And how awful I was.

Then she tried to lie about emails between her and her daughter's. So I told her I had all the emails between him and them. And I had a the voice mail.

She then tried to say she never wrote those emails. That she said she couldn't do emails. And I told her her email address. After all the she blamed her daughter. 

Then she said she had power of attorney. I told her I had one from April of last. That is why the hospital and mortuary released him to me. As per his wishes.

I knew she was awful, but this was proof. I finally said he had five months of happiest. She should be happy for that. She just kept bringing up everything over and over. Even when we broke up. She kept bringing up he sent me to the hospital and he in jail. I told her that was not the reason I divorced. But that isn't something I want to share. But sometimes words hurt more then action.

I was so heartbroken by the whole thing. I started to feel like I was going to cry. I wouldn't give her that and told her Sandy was the only man I ever loved in my life. I said now I'm done, I wished all the best and goodbye, and hung up.

Sometime love is stronger then fear and pain...

Forever Sandy

 

If I never fall in love again

My life will still be full of love

My heart smile at the thought of you

Friends will come and go

But a love so rare

Can never be denied 

If I am ever swiped up 

In love again

To feel that passion flame

I know you will be smiling down on me with love

Sandy - Our Last Morning May 5, 2019

I have then I posted question about dying. So here is the reason I posted the question was when Sandy died I was trying to get him to hospital. He was in bed and kept asking me to hold him a little longer. I did.

Then after I got him up cleaned him, changed his diaper, and dressed him. 

He looked at me, crying, he said it wasn't fair he wanted to stay with me. He then told me he was sorry it took him 20 years to get back to me. We both cried.

I got him to my Arizona room and was unlocking the security door, he called to me grabbed in a tight hug, kissed me he then told me he had only love me, and he knew it, all those years apart.  He said also that he was so happy I had gone looking for him. I was about to say something when his eyes went from blue to gray and he went limp.

I have to confess it traumatized me going through this. But the worst part is knowing he was about to die and his only thought was of me.

I've been having trouble dealing with watching him pass, and the only thing that mattered to him was me.

I never had such feeling. I wasn't deserving of having that much love and care towards me...

I can honestly say, he was the love of my life. 

When he came to live with me, he had this and other photos of me... 💜

Traveling With an Uptight Hubby

Traveling with an uptight hubby

While I was married I travel a lot. With, and without my uptight hubby. Am I being mean calling him that? Actually I’m being very kind! But, of course I’ll be putting a dorky spin on it all! We start our trip with a stay in Rome

ROME

When we got married, my uptight hubby promised we would go to Egypt for a belated honeymoon. After five years I knew it wasn’t going to happen unless I did something. So I started saving money till I had most of the money for the trip. At that point he couldn’t say no again. So we planned the trip with a 3-day stop over in Rome.

Now uptight hubby was the nervous type, and every thing had to be planned to the second. Me on the other hand wanted to just throw things into a suitcase and go! After much micro management we left for our trip.

The flight to the East coast was uneventful. Then, a church group on their way Rome got on the plane. The leader of the group sat in front of me. This person had a vulgar mouth and thought it was funny to bounce his chair so it was impossible for me to have my dinner. Now, uptight hubby did nothing I had to call the fight attendant to complain. But that didn’t help much. It was an over night flight so one this guy fell asleep all was well.

Till the morning. I went to use the restroom to freshen up, and it was full of perfume, from others. I’m allergic, so I went back to my seat. I told uptight hubby what happened. With in a minute a spray of cologne came from over the seat in front of me as the jerk laughed.
Again uptight hubby did nothing.

Don’t worry I’m leading to something here people!!!

We got to Rome right before Palm Sunday. There wasn’t the housing for the cardinals that are there now, so they had to stay in hotels like anyone else. At our hotel was a very nice Cardinal from Ethiopia. He was very pleasant and was asking me my nationality.
We had a nice chat and I told him of the rude man on the plane. Then uptight hubby made me leave, upset I was talking to him for so long.

Well that afternoon we were at the Vatican. We had taken a tour and were wandering around when we say the rude man from the plane. HE WAS A PREIST!!! He stood there smiling smugly at me and before I could stop myself I told him, ‘I don’t care you’re still an a**.’ Well the Cardinal was there to and the last I saw of the men the Cardinal was calling him a very bad man.

EGYPT

When we got to Egypt It was night. The city was alive with light. The next day we found we didn’t have the right plug adapter. So we went down the street to little shop. The people there spoke English and quickly got us our adapter. When ask how much it was the man said 1 pound. But uptight hubby didn’t understand him. After repeating it several times the other men there started to join in telling the price. I understood from the very start, but uptight hubby wouldn’t listen to me. Finally they wrote it down for him. I was laughing by this time, as were the men. Big mistake, on my part. I had to hear about it the rest of the day.

Later that day we joined the tour group we were with, everyone was very pleasant and I should have been fun. Uptight hubby didn’t like attention drawn to us, and it wasn’t my fault that I look Egyptian. I got a lot of attention from the guards and other people that argued that I was Egyptian. You would think since our group got to go into closed part of temples because of me he would be happy. Nope, I just got yelled at.

I was invited to join a wedding party when I told them the father of the bride looked like my dad. That was in Alexandria. Between Luxor and Aswan we got to visit some off limit place because the guards let me in. At dendara a Bedouin woman reminded me of my grandmother, when I told her this she kissed me and in less then a minute I was dressed like a Bedouin!


NILE CRUISE

Part of the trip was a 5-day cruise on the Nile. Starting in Luxor. We had an over night stay there so we took a walk along the Nile. I was so lovely. As we walked we came upon a group of young Egyptian men. They look at us and rushed up to us, grabbing me away from uptight hubby. One held uptight hubby, while the others gathered around me. Then they started taking turns having their picture taken with me! Then they let uptight hubby go and had him take a group picture with me in the middle. I found it funny, but not uptight hubby!

On the ship all the splendor of Egypt could be seen from the window of our room and even more from the deck! The crew of the Set III was very funny and friendly. They started making special dishes for me. Egyptian foods. When the other passengers asked why I was getting special treatment, they were told, that their lady was on a special diet! And they should go back to eating their donkey! It wasn’t donkey but they liked to tell people it was.

They had seen uptight hubby make me cry and we were coming to the temple of Kom Ombo. This is the temple to the crocodile god. Some of the crew went to uptight hubby and told him to be nice to their lady, or they would feed him to the crocodiles. That scared him.
He believed they would!

At the end of the cruise the crew lined up to kiss me goodbye. Then they again told uptight hubby, ‘ be nice to our lady.’ Our tour guide and the rest of the group were tried of uptight hubby by now as well. They to wanted to feed him to the crocodiles.

KHAN EL KHALILI BAAZAR

The Khan el Khalili bazaar is Egypt oldest bazaar. The aroma of spices, teas, perfumes and much more, fill the air. The sounds of vendors and customers haggling over the prices rang through you ears.

Our tour group was left there for the balance of the day. Three couples I got along well, with, were shopping together. We decided to make a bet. We choose a set of three brass pyramids and one vendor we all would go to. Who ever got the lowest price won. At the time an Egyptian pound was worth 40 cents American. We would be the last to go. Everyone went and came back thinking they had gotten the best deal. The lowest that came back was 4 pounds. So $1.60, was very cheap. When it was our turn I was already to haggle with the vendor. We walked up to the shop and looked around. I then asked how much for the pyramids. The man looked at me, then uptight hubby, then back to me. ‘For you on pound! You are Egyptian yes?’ I replied yes and left with my little pyramids and a couple of scarab beads he gave me as a gift.

Later the other couples decided to go back to the hotel, we had only seen a small part of the bazaar, so we went on deeper in to its streets and ally ways. At almost every shop we stopped at the shopkeepers invited us in for tea. The final shop we went to I don’t even remember what uptight hubby was looking for. The shopkeeper invited us into the back of the store. The up stairs through their living areas. Finally, we were in a strange lime green room that I knew I wanted out of. Then he started trying to kiss me! Uptight hubby just stood there! This man was getting more and more aggressive, and I was getting mad at him and uptight hubby. Finally the man started trying to buy me from uptight hubby, as he tried to push me into a closet or small room! I was so mad by then I hit the man as hard as I could, grabbed uptight hubby by the arm and lead him down the stairs. The last I hear the man say, ‘you are lucky she has spirit.’

We didn’t talk until we were in the cab back to our hotel. Why did you just stand there? I asked.

‘I knew you could take care of yourself. And was afraid I would become fish bait in the Nile. Also I didn’t know how to get out of there. ‘

‘So it was okay for some man to grope and kiss your wife and try to lock her in a closet?’ I was so mad, and this time I couldn’t turn it around on me!

That was our last day in Cairo. We left Egypt the next morning…

Puppy Love

Puppy Love

Christmas eve 1988, my father called me to ask what to get my brother Fred for Christmas. Fred, is a very hard person to shop for and dad wanted to get him something special, that he wouldn't return. I talked with my mom, who told me Fred had seen a beagle puppy, that had stolen his heart. With my father credit card in hand, I went to the pet store and bought the most beautiful tiny beagle, puppy.

We got her home, playing with her, but not knowing how to hide her from my brother. When he got home we put the puppy in a mini bar-b-que, under the Christmas tree. We told him to look inside. When he did, the moment he pick her up, we knew it was a gift he wouldn't be returning his Christmas puppy, Clementine.

Three yours later, on Fred's birthday, he and our mom found the perfect playmate for Clementine. He was a handsome, papillon, and poodle mix, named Mookie. Mookie looked like a pure breed papillon. When they met for the first time, Clem made sure he knew she was the boss, but was so happy to have a companion. They truly loved each other, in a way people only wish they could have.

The vet told my brother that Mookie couldn't have puppies, so Mookie and Clem weren't fixed. Well, they proved the vet wrong, and had a litter of 5 puppies, four months after Mookie's first birthday, on February 4 1992. We named them Clemookies. We kept all the puppies between us. Fred and my mom kept the two little girls, Stacie, and Kamelia. Named after myself, and my sister in law. My then husband and I took the three boys, Bruno-Fred, Abydos-Tony, and Fritz-Sandy. They were named after my two brother and ex husband, I changed their names, when I took them.

Mookie and Clem were great parents, and were always happy when I'd bring there sons home to see them. I move out of state, and in that time, Fritz, and Abydos passed away. I had them cremated, so I could bury then in a Huntington Beach, California pet cemetery, where our childhood dogs were laid to rest.

In the spring of 2002, after five years in Arizona, I move back into my mother's house with my mom and Fred. I brought with me my two big Arizona rescue dogs, Noel and Bijou. Along with them, I had Mookie and Clem’s first born puppy, Bruno. Mookie, Clem, Stacie and Kamelia, were happy to have Bruno back with them.

Summer came and in August 11, 2002 with out any warning Kamelia passed away. It was hard on all of us. You could see the loss in the dogs. Kamelia had spent her whole life just were she wanted to be, with her parents, sister and Fred. She even got to be with her last brother again. We buried her with her two brothers, Fritz and Abydos.


Clementine, had several seizures, in the months since my return, and Mookie was once again fighting cancer. They were more and more unsteady. They would walk together, using each other to keep standing. When we would take Clem or Mookie to the doctors, the would wait nervously for the others return. In March of this year, both were getting worse everyday. We were all so stress, knowing, but not wanting to say they were getting to the end. We couldn't imagine how either would survive without each other. Mookie had all but stopped eating and could hold anything in. Through all this they, stood guard over each other, the best they could. One weekend, they both seemed to get almost well. They were happy, and eating. We took this as a good sign. Our brother Tony came by with his wife Kamelia, and two son's Trent and Maury. Clem and Mookie greeted them happily.

Then Sunday night, Clem was in so much pain from the seizures, cried all night long, as she laid in the garage on our mom's lap. I think it was also missing her lifetime love, Mookie. Clem finally calmed down and mom went to bed, and Fred and Mookie, took over the watch. I was upstairs when I heard Fred yelling for my help. I ran down stairs a looked down at Fred holding Mookie, who was having a seizure. I can't say who showed the most pain in their eyes, Fred or Mookie. We tried to calm him down, and for a while he was calm, but not OK. I didn't want to say anything at first, but Mookies heart was slowing, and his breathing labored. Clem started having a seizure and crying. Both seemed calmer when the could touch each other.

Finally we knew we had to take both to the vets to be put to sleep. When we called they at first didn't believe both dogs were dying at the same time, but when we got them there, it was obvious that they were going together. Neither my mom or Fred wanted to be there when they went, so I stayed with them. Having just lost Kamelia a few months before, it would have been too hard to see her parents died the same day. We took them into the room, Fred and mom spent several minutes saying good bye to our beloved friends. Both looked up at Fred as if to say they loved him. After they left the doctor came in and explained what would happen. I then told the good bye and place Clem's paw on Mookie. Both seemed to relax, knowing they were together. Even the doctor and nurse commented about it. Clem was first to go, and I made sure her paw stayed on Mookie. Both looked up at me as if to say thank you, right before they passed. That was Monday March, 23 2003.

We took them to Sea Breeze pet cemetery, where they were buried in the same coffin. They look just was if they were sleeping. No more did you see the pain they had gone through, or the ugly bald spot on Mookie, from the cancer. With that we said our final goodbyes to Fred's Christmas, and Birthday gifts.

We realized we didn't have to wonder how they would live without the other. They seemed to choice to give us the gift of one good weekend, then left together. They love each other that much.


Puppy Love

Christmas eve 1988, my father called me to ask what to get my brother Fred for Christmas. Fred, is a very hard person to shop for and dad wanted to get him something special, that he wouldn't return. I talked with my mom, who told me Fred had seen a beagle puppy, that had stolen his heart. With my father credit card in hand, I went to the pet store and bought the most beautiful tiny beagle, puppy.

We got her home, playing with her, but not knowing how to hide her from my brother. When he got home we put the puppy in a mini bar-b-que, under the Christmas tree. We told him to look inside. When he did, the moment he pick her up, we knew it was a gift he wouldn't be returning his Christmas puppy, Clementine.

Three yours later, on Fred's birthday, he and our mom found the perfect playmate for Clementine. He was a handsome, papillon, and poodle mix, named Mookie. Mookie looked like a pure breed papillon. When they met for the first time, Clem made sure he knew she was the boss, but was so happy to have a companion. They truly loved each other, in a way people only wish they could have.

The vet told my brother that Mookie couldn't have puppies, so Mookie and Clem weren't fixed. Well, they proved the vet wrong, and had a litter of 5 puppies, four months after Mookie's first birthday, on February 4 1992. We named them Clemookies. We kept all the puppies between us. Fred and my mom kept the two little girls, Stacie, and Kamelia. Named after myself, and my sister in law. My then husband and I took the three boys, Bruno-Fred, Abydos-Tony, and Fritz-Sandy. They were named after my two brother and ex husband, I changed their names, when I took them.

Mookie and Clem were great parents, and were always happy when I'd bring there sons home to see them. I move out of state, and in that time, Fritz, and Abydos passed away. I had them cremated, so I could bury then in a Huntington Beach, California pet cemetery, where our childhood dogs were laid to rest.

In the spring of 2002, after five years in Arizona, I move back into my mother's house with my mom and Fred. I brought with me my two big Arizona rescue dogs, Noel and Bijou. Along with them, I had Mookie and Clem’s first born puppy, Bruno. Mookie, Clem, Stacie and Kamelia, were happy to have Bruno back with them.

Summer came and in August 11, 2002 with out any warning Kamelia passed away. It was hard on all of us. You could see the loss in the dogs. Kamelia had spent her whole life just were she wanted to be, with her parents, sister and Fred. She even got to be with her last brother again. We buried her with her two brothers, Fritz and Abydos.


Clementine, had several seizures, in the months since my return, and Mookie was once again fighting cancer. They were more and more unsteady. They would walk together, using each other to keep standing. When we would take Clem or Mookie to the doctors, the would wait nervously for the others return. In March of this year, both were getting worse everyday. We were all so stress, knowing, but not wanting to say they were getting to the end. We couldn't imagine how either would survive without each other. Mookie had all but stopped eating and could hold anything in. Through all this they, stood guard over each other, the best they could. One weekend, they both seemed to get almost well. They were happy, and eating. We took this as a good sign. Our brother Tony came by with his wife Kamelia, and two son's Trent and Maury. Clem and Mookie greeted them happily.

Then Sunday night, Clem was in so much pain from the seizures, cried all night long, as she laid in the garage on our mom's lap. I think it was also missing her lifetime love, Mookie. Clem finally calmed down and mom went to bed, and Fred and Mookie, took over the watch. I was upstairs when I heard Fred yelling for my help. I ran down stairs a looked down at Fred holding Mookie, who was having a seizure. I can't say who showed the most pain in their eyes, Fred or Mookie. We tried to calm him down, and for a while he was calm, but not OK. I didn't want to say anything at first, but Mookies heart was slowing, and his breathing labored. Clem started having a seizure and crying. Both seemed calmer when the could touch each other.

Finally we knew we had to take both to the vets to be put to sleep. When we called they at first didn't believe both dogs were dying at the same time, but when we got them there, it was obvious that they were going together. Neither my mom or Fred wanted to be there when they went, so I stayed with them. Having just lost Kamelia a few months before, it would have been too hard to see her parents died the same day. We took them into the room, Fred and mom spent several minutes saying good bye to our beloved friends. Both looked up at Fred as if to say they loved him. After they left the doctor came in and explained what would happen. I then told the good bye and place Clem's paw on Mookie. Both seemed to relax, knowing they were together. Even the doctor and nurse commented about it. Clem was first to go, and I made sure her paw stayed on Mookie. Both looked up at me as if to say thank you, right before they passed. That was Monday March, 23 2003.

We took them to Sea Breeze pet cemetery, where they were buried in the same coffin. They look just was if they were sleeping. No more did you see the pain they had gone through, or the ugly bald spot on Mookie, from the cancer. With that we said our final goodbyes to Fred's Christmas, and Birthday gifts.

We realized we didn't have to wonder how they would live without the other. They seemed to choice to give us the gift of one good weekend, then left together. They love each other that much.

Poetry

Pretty Things

The night we met,

We sat in awe. 

As the thunder roared  

and the lightning fell to earth. 

Everything was magic, 

till the pretty things

Tears I cried, can never be erased

With the Pretty things or pretty words

You just don’t understand

Please don’t ask me to explain

A heart can’t mend

With pretty words

It is all a lie,

It won’t take them back

You’ll never understand

How these pretty thing

Are just just a sad reminder

Of a trust that was betrayed

Don’t you see 

my heart is not a game

Pretty words

And pretty things

Will never turn back time

August 23, 2022

Untitled

Night time falls,
city lights come to view.
I'm wishing for you.
Dreams wash in,
like waves on the shore.
How long will it be.
Looking up to a star studded sky.
To a world were love never dies.
Wake me from a world full of fears.
Spare me from tears.
Say you'll be here.
Touch my heart,
As only you can.
Warm my soul,
with the fire you bring.
eclipsing the sun.
Wash away the light,
of a sleeping city sky.
How do they all feel.
Do they know
love is for real.
I know that is.
You know that it is.

--------------------


Sometimes

Sometimes in the night
I wake from fitful dreams
I reach out my arms
to were you should be.
But now you're gone

Where have you gone to,
you vanishing the with the day
Why did you enter my life,
you didn't mean to stay

Sometimes in the summer sun
A chill crosses my heart
Reminding me of the loss
I looked to you
for a love that was true
But now you're gone

Sometimes in the dark of night
I wish upon a crystal sky
for a love you once gave to me
Just a touch to ease the hurt
But you were taken all away

Anastasia K Casillas-Varga
Copyrighted 28 April 1998

---------------------
Tomorrow


How can you walk away
How can I see tomorrow
Dreams elude me
only sleepless hours drag on

I never thought we'd go our separate way
I always believed in forever
How is it then
you chose a different way
I'm left here in yesterday

Where have all our hopes gone
lost in the cold winds
of the yesterdays gone by
Never to feel the warmth of tomorrow

Tonight, I'm wishing on a starless sky
I'm praying for the shattered world
You left me with
I know it will come
but how will it be
When tomorrow comes

How did you walk away
How can you still see tomorrow
Dreams will all faded away
With the dawn of tomorrow

Anastasia K. Casillas-Varga

Sept. 6 1998 10:11am

--------------------


Father Moon

Father Moon, please let me be.
My heart is broken
And I need my time to heal

Father Moon you have shown me the way.
Now is the time to fine my own way.
Distant star, is where I will go.
Find safe harbor,
In a world all my own..

Oh Father Moon
my heart brakes for you.

Jan. 2014

---------------------

Turn

The dreariness of fall
Reminds me that you’re gone
I’m lost and on my own.
I wonder through the town
Autumn color fade to gray
I just turn away
Passing the places we would meet
Seeing strangers where we would be
I just turn and leave
I close my door to the gray of day
Lie in bed and think
Of all that could have been
I think of spring
I just turn and break.

Oct. 27 2005
11:00 am
--------------------

The Treasured Soul


A timeless treasure I have found,
The moment your eyes met mine
The world stood still
As I caught my breath
Eyes so deep
I can see forever
With one look
you set my heart and soul to blaze
Taking my hand
Our finger brushed
The lightest of touch
Set my body into a quiver
Drowning in a paradise
I never want to lose
Others may offer me treasure
Of gems, silver, and gold
I'd cast them all aside
Their love is but an illusion
All of forgotten lies
All I crave is the treasure of your soul


Anastasia K. Casillas-Varga
5 May 1998

-------------------

Dreamers’ Moon
A smile from eyes that held my gaze
Words so sweet, how could I resist
Daydreams soon flood into the night
Nights filled with promises
Of what's to come

It was a new moon
A dreamers’ moon
A daydreamers’
Dreams come true
The stars aligned
For just this time

Plans were made
And the purest of love was made
Souls touched from a world away
Different worlds melted into one
A dreamers’ paradise

It was a new moon
A dreamers’ moon
A daydreamers’
Dreams come true
The stars aligned
For just this time

The full moon came and went
Not a word goodbye with the moon
Tears came and went
But, I know I can love
I can put my heart up on a shelf
And bring it back down again
Someday, the dreamers’ moon will stay

----------------

I Never Knew

Sitting here, with a world of music running threw my head.
Dreaming of you, and the words that you just said.

I can’t believe.
I could never see, your heart waiting for me.
The music of your heart opened my world
Now I hear the music of my soul.
I never knew.
I’d never believe

Sitting back in my garden,
Looking up to the heavens high.
I’m wishing on every crystal star, above
You make me feel like a shooting star
Streaking across the night skies.

I never knew the music of love
I never knew a dream could come true
I never knew, I could love anew

-------------------

MOON & THE STARS

I say to the moon tonight,
don't forsake me
I say to the moon tonight,
don't you ever leave me.

I know I can love forever.
I know, love can stay forever.
I know if you ever believed in love.
It would never die.
If you just believe in you and I

I ask the stars tonight,
always twinkle brightly for me.
I ask the stars that you will always need me.

I know I can love forever.
I know, love can stay forever.
I know if you ever believed in love.
It would never die.
If you just believe in you and I

If you ever believed in me,
you would know just who I am
If you ever dreamed sweet dreams
I would be your dream until you died

This isn't all I have.
It's the one thing I can give
It's all I ever wanted
Please believe in me
All I want is your love

I pray to the moon tonight,
that it won't forsake me
I ask the stars tonight,
that they will alway be there for me!
I ask that you always believe in me
Always believe in my love

Drift softly among the heavens
Lay with me in a bed upon the brightest stars

I know I can love forever
I know, love can stay forever
I know if you ever believed in love
It would never die
I believe in you and I


I say to the moon tonight,
don't forsake me
I ask the stars tonight,
don't you ever leave me.
All I want now is your time

---------------------
Was It

Was it a dream, were you ever really here
Was it just a game or did you care
You took my heart and made it yours
You touched my soul to its very core
Love tell the truth was is ever real
You asked me for forever
Was ever going to be forever
Love come back and hold me again
Wipe away all these tears
Say you will always be here
Dreams are all I have now
Hope and heartache
Make for restless nights
Moonlight cast shadow of the past
That reminds me again, what I lost
Love come back and hold me again
Wipe away all these tears
Say you will always be here
Losing you is losing a part of me

-----------------------

Tonight

Tonight I cast a side all my forgotten dreams
I’ll ride a wave of countless star,
Like an oracle of old,
Let the stars guide my way,
To a fate unknown
What should I care?

On ward to anywhere, On ward forever,
To dreams that will pass
To a world where broken hearts mend
And love is not pretend.

Tonight, moon beams are my path way
To my lost friends, Loves forgotten fruit

Tonight, dreams, I never dreamt
Take a haunting shape
Take my breath away

Tonight, I’ll trust my soul to fate
To wishes, of a tender kiss,
That sent my spirit into, Passion super nova

Tonight, loves tragedy,
Will fade into the night.

2-2-2005




Twilight

Twilight, the moonrise
Takes my breath away
I made a wish,
To hold you close.
Nothing could compare.
Dazzle me as you can.
The whole world disappears into the dark.
Your light’ll guide me.
Filling my world with dizzying dream
Dreams I never dared to dream
Till you came along
Please don’t wake me if I’m dreaming


The Protector of Your Heart

Looking at you,
I see all that could be.
I see all my heartache,
And broken dreams,
Fade into dust.
I have to thank you…

I want you to be.
I know you could be.
You’ll be my morning star light.
You’ll be my evening sun.
I’ll be the guardian of your heaven.
I’ll be the protector of your heart
You look at me,
What could you possibly see?
I’m getting older,
I see it more each day.
I know I’ll fade away,
If you ever leave.

Know it in your heart,
I’ll always be true.
I’ll be the one here,
When everyone else has drifted away.

I want you to be.
I know you could be.
You’ll be my morning star light.
You’ll be my evening sun.
I’ll be the guardian of your heaven.
I’ll be the protector of your heart

12-10-2004
4:16 am

------------------------

Share the Tears

I know I'm not the one you wanted in your life.
Telling me time and time again
you planned to make her your wife.
I shed tears, you told no lies.
I took my shattered dreams and stepped aside.
I watched your pain as she took your world
and broke your faith.

I'll share the tears
Easing the burden on your heart
to help you find your way
To see that life still go on

I am here to help you through the darkest hours
Trust in me I know the way,
you see I've been here to
Trust in me I'll be your friend
I'll never let you down

I tried so hard to be all she was to you
It wasn't me and you saw right though my act
I stand here now as your friend
To help you stand on your own once more

Feb 25 2003

-------------------------

I WANTED TO SAY

I LOOK AT YOU AND WANT TO BE A BETTER ME
I WISH I COULD BE EVERY DREAM TO YOU

WE TALKED ABOUT OUR DREAMS
WE TALKED ABOUT THE PAST
WE CLUNG TO EACHOTHER
AS TALKED ABOUT ALL THAT

I WANT TO SAY I LOVE YOU
I WANT TO FEEL IT THRU MY SOUL
I WANT TO BELIEVE IN FOREVER

THE LONG AND THE SHORT
THE ONLY THING I KNOW
I LOVE YOU
WAS ONE OF THE THINGS
WE NEVER GOT ROUND TO SAY

AFTER ALL THIS TIME
WE NEVER SAID GOODBYE
I WANT TO SAY I LOVE YOU
GOODBYE

------------------------

Memphis

Tell me about Memphis.
Tell of life under southern skies.
I want to know the slow southern way
Tell me of the twilight
the moonlight. The lazy summer days

Tell me what Memphis could be for me.
Do you see the stars in the heaven,
or pass them on the streets.
Do dream come true or fade away.

Tell me about Memphis
Cause on nights like this,
the coast just doesn't feel like home
Memphis sure sounds just right to me
Won’t you tell me about Memphis
------------------------
City Stars

City stars are shining bright tonight.
Piercing through the haze of the city lights.
Reminding me of how it could be.
A time for growth and for childlike joy

The darkness of a lunar eclipse will cleanses
our souls, of all the worlds hurt and pain.
I don't know how long it will last
Perhaps an hour or two
I'll pray for lifetime to start anew
So breath in deep and hope for the best,
We never know if there will be
another night like this

City Stars are dancing in the heavens high
I'm taken to another place and time.
Where stars were my ceiling
the summer breezy my only walls

From dusk till dawn
the world took an enchanted charm
Where love and hope
Filled a simple heart with never ending joy

We can wash away the hurt and pain
that burden all our hearts.
We've hid them away
so deep with in our soul
Maybe it will stay
but all I can say
city stars can once again
bring the world into perfect view

Anastasia K Casillas
Copyright ©_May 15, 2003

---------------------

Dreams
A cold so deep it cut right to the bone.
Lost in the storm, were shall I go.
Ice cold hands that need to be warmed.

Dreams have faded to a misty haze
Lost upon the winds of time
Dreams of hope pass me by
Floating by in the run off
Of the cascading rain

Unreachable love lives on
In the bone chilling cold of the night
A love that will never know
the warmth of tomorrows daylight
Dreams are where I find you
In dreams are where I wait

-------------------------

Till

till the night rolls into day
Fill this lost soul with a hope
To make it through the day

A kiss will turn the skies from gray.
fog will all be swept away
A caress will change
the setting sky to crimson
A touch as gentle as a spring time breeze
Will light an eternal flame

Till you are back with me
nights will be eternal
The days forever gray

Fill this night
with the sweetest of dreams
to carry me through
Till you're back with me